Remembering Mama

Friday will mark the forth anniversary of Athena's death. The last time I actually saw her was four years ago today, the 29th of August, 2003. That was the morning I went into the hospital for neck surgery, and I wouldn't come back home until September 1st. Exactly what happened during those few days is still a mystery to me. What I do know is, Athena got out when she shouldn't have, and that she was dead by August 30th. I still don't know how she died. I guess it really doesn't matter that I know.

Anyway, usually I leave some cat food in a bowl by our front door with a candle burning, but since we moved I don't think I will do that anymore.

I miss her very much. I was looking through her pictures on flickr just now deciding which ones I wanted to use, and I found that I miss her more than I realized.

So, here are a few of my favorite Athena pictures, beginning with those of her as a baby...

These first two are scans of pictures I took with an old fashioned film camera. You remeber those. In this one, Athena is the one on the pillow. The other two kittens were her brother Rocky, (the black and white kitten,) and Mitzy. We were fostering the three of them, but Athena and I were so well bonded that my wife adopted her for me. I won't ever forget that day; it was one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me.

A devoted sister, it was always clear who was the dominant one of the three. I don't know much about cat psychology, but it always appeared to me that Athena stepped in as the surrogate mother. She cared for the other two, looked out for them, and even led them. She would literally round up the other two, and bring them to wherever she wanted them all to be. I remember once they were all playing in our living room, and had separated off into their own little territories as they explored their new surroundings. At one point Athena ran into the middle of the room and cried just once. The other two kittens instantly came running, and met her in the center of the room.

I often wonder how the other two are doing. They both went to good homes, and I assume they are alive and well.

This is probably one of the first pictures of Athena with her new baby brother, Angel. He was already starting to get pretty big when this picture was taken.

Angel and Athena got along quite well. I am not sure if that was because she was around before he was, so he was used to her, or if because he honestly liked her, or if it was just his age. He sure doesn't treat the three cats we have now like he did Athena. Even Salem, who was part of our household long before Angel AND Athena, is not safe from Angel's barking and harassment. Odd that he treated Athena differently.

I think Athena decided Ebby was her kitten from the day we brought Ebby into our home. You can read about Ebby's admission into our household, and how Athena and she bonded, here.

Right up until Athena died, she and Ebby were inseparable. It was very clear Athena loved Ebby by the way she treated her. She obviously cared for Ebby as she did for her own siblings. I remember one afternoon I came home from work to find Athena quite distressed. She kept crying, and she would pace back and forth right in front of me. If I tried to walk anywhere, Athena would get right in front of me as if she were intentionally trying to block me.

It didn't take me long to realize something was wrong, (I am quick like that,) and at once it dawned on me that Ebby wasn't anywhere nearby. I quickly understood Athena was upset because her beloved Ebby was missing. Thinking she might be trapped in a room in the house, I started walking through the house while calling for Ebby, but then I realized that Athena could only be this upset if she couldn't find Ebby herself, so I went outside to look for Ebby.

Once outside I heard Athena cry again. I looked back, and there she was sitting in the window watching me look for her daughter. I called Ebby's name,and before long Ebby came running. (She has always been real good about coming when you call her. Even when she doesn't want to get caught, she will come when called.) Finding Ebby was the only cure for Athena's distress.

I can't imagine any of our pets trying to groom Ebby like this now. Ebby is usually very grumpy these days, and prefers to be left alone. She was a little grumpy when we first got her, but she became more so after Athena died.

Athena always found our turtle Charlotte fascinating. I eventually bought a cover for Charlotte's tank because Athena constantly prowled the edges of the tank like that, and I was afraid she would fall in one day. I eventually moved Charlotte's tank outside where it stayed until the end of her life in November of 2005.

Probably the most poignant of the pictures I have of Athena is this one. At least it is for me. Athena always wanted to go outside, but I would never let her. I always feared for her safety. Ultimately, she did get outside, and my worst fears were realized. The morning I went into the hospital I told her that I would be back, and that she needed to stay inside, and out of trouble.

Silly, talking to a cat like that.

Don't forget the Friday Ark at The Modulator for all sorts of critters, and the Carnival of the Cats this Sunday

Remembering Mama

This week's pet post is dedicated to my baby, Athena. I guess I have said all I care to about what happened to her on this day three years ago, so instead of rehashing that crummy story, I will just post some of my favorite pictures of her.

As a side note, you may have noticed that I post a great number of pictures of my pets each week here on Athenamama. That is part of Athena's legacy. I bought my digital camera soon after Athena came to live with us, and I took a fair number of pictures of her, but I wish I had taken more. Therefore, I take a bazillion pictures of my pets. You can never have too many pictures of those you love.

Also, If you click here, you can hear Athena's voice.

This is one of my favorite pictures of Mama. It really highlights her eyes, which had a fire in them that had a real affect on me. As you can see, I like this picture so much that I use it to represent Athena's site, Athenamama. Jackie reminds me of Athena in a lot of ways. One of them being her taking over the role of Ear-washer. Like Jackie, Athena loved to wash ears. One of the very rare times all three of the cats were together long enough for me to take their picture. Athena and Ebby were very close, so I have several of them together, but Salem likes to keep to herself. Now that Athena is gone, Ebby also likes to be alone. Athena was older than Angel, and here she is watching over him as he sleeps. He is still a puppy in this picture, and isn't as big a Athena yet. I was taking pictures of the panther statuette when Athena came along and stole the limelight. I guess she thought a real cat beat a statue of one every time. Just another great picture of Mama. Don't worry, I eventually let the cat out of the bag. Another of my favorite shots of Athena. I still vacillate between this picture, and the first one as my favorites. I guess I have two favorites. Okay, maybe three favorites. This is Mama watching me work at the computer one night. Athena always liked to be with me. My mother-in-law stayed with us for a while when Athena was still alive, and told me one afternoon when I came home from work that every day, just before I would come home, Athena would go sit in the window and watch for me. Not the greatest pictures, but still one of my very favorites because it's of my Mama sleeping on my lap.

"The Adventures of Angel and Jacqueline" will return next week.
Don't forget to check out the Carnival of the Dogs at Mickey's Musings, and the Friday Ark at The Modulator for more interesting animals.

Happy Birthday, Athena

Today Athena would have been five years old, so I thought I would share a couple of pictures of her as a kitten, and the two more of her as an adult. So, here we go...

We were fostering Athena and her siblings for a local cat rescue operation. Their mother was found dead, but Athena and her brother and sister were all huddled together in an attic of an empty house. Here they are huddled again, only much safer this time, even if they are in my hamper. The black and white one is Rocky, so named because when he arrived he would literally sit up on his haunches and box any hand that tried to pick him up. The grey one on the right is Mitsy. She's very sweet. On more than one occasion, when all the kittens were playing somewhere in the house, Mitsy would lose sight of Athena and Rocky. When that would happen she would run to the middle of the room and cry once. Rocky and Athena would appear out of no where in response to her cry, and come running to make sure she was ok. Athena, at the top left, was the leader, and the bravest of the three. She would set an example, and the other two would follow her lead. She was the first to eat from our bowl, and only after she did it would the other two eat. In fact, it was she that led them to this laundry basket. Rocky is almost impossible to see in this shot, but he is there just above Athena. Except for Rocky, this picture captures perfectly the personality of Athena and Mitsy. Mitsy is looking at the camera with a trace of shyness in her big, beautiful eyes . Athena, however, is approaching the camera, almost as if to protect her brother and sister. She was always the first to investigate new things. I honestly believe her first interest when dealing with new experiences was to first determine the level of threat to her brother and sister. I think she assumed the role of their mother for the short time between their real mother's death, and their rescue from the attic. It tore me up to break up Athena's little family. I felt in my heart that I was doing something very wrong by separating them. Yet, the rescue organization is very thorough in their screening process, so I know they both went to good homes. Mitsy went to a man who had just lost his cat of 18 years. He's single, and spends much of his time at home. Just what Mitsy needed. Rocky went to a family that had adopted another kitten just a few days before. The family found out quickly their new family member needed a playmate. So Rocky had a friend for life that he could play and box with. We weren't in the market for a cat, but my wife saw the strong bond that had developed between Athena and me, so she got her for me as a surprise. I often wonder how Rocky and Mitsy are doing. I suppose they are happy and warm, and spend their days on their human's lap, or on the back of a sofa some place. Maybe one of them rests face down in a sheepskin throw.

You never know.

Athena 04/09/01 - 08/31/03 Happy Birthday, Mama.

Athena's Ghost?

Last night I gathered up a load of freshly washed laundry to take to my room upstairs for sorting etc. As I approached the stairs a cat zoomed right by my right side, and DISAPPEARED into the window seat under the large picture window in our living room.

I haven't seen her since her death over two years ago. It must've been a shadow.

Missing Mama

Athena April 9, 2001 - August 31, 2003

It's hard to believe that two years have passed since I lost my Athena. I still miss her, and it still hurts, but I am able at least to now look at her pictures and not be so dreadfully sad.

Last May, while visiting Catster, I wrote a diary entry for Athena. At the time I wasn't sure why I felt compelled to do such a thing because I knew it would be painful for me. But when I started writing the entry, something came over me, and I couldn't stop. It just poured out of me. Here is what I wrote...

Hi Daddy.

I just wanted to let you know that it's OK that you weren't there. I understand that you were in the hospital, and that you couldn't come home.

The end wasn't as bad as you might think. To tell you the truth, I really don't remember what happened. I just remember thinking of you, and wishing that I was with you. Before I knew it, I was no longer alive on earth.

At first, daddy, I was sad. I was sad because I some how knew I wasn't going to be with you anymore. Then I became even more sad, because I knew you would know that we wouldn't be together any more too. Then I got scared.

I was scared, daddy because I knew you were sick, and I worried that my death might make you sicker. I wanted to do something to let you know that I was OK, but I didn't know what. So I waited. I waited, and I waited because I knew one day you wouldn't be so sad.

But that day never came. You stayed sad, and so did I.

I watched you daddy, every day. I watched you cry for weeks after I died. I watched as you looked at my pictures and wept. I watched as you held my collar, and cried uncontrollably. I watched, and I felt so much sorrow as it rushed out of your broken heart, and into mine.

Because our hearts broke together that awful day.

I wanted to tell you how sorry I am, daddy. I'm sorry I went out when you told me not to. I'm sorry, and I miss you very much. You were the best daddy I could've possibly ever hoped for. You were kind, and caring, and you loved me.

I also want to tell you, daddy, that I am here. I am here, and I am waiting for you. I still watch you every day, and now that you are a little better, I thought it was time that you knew.

It's finally the time that I can tell you that I am fine, and that I love you, and that I am waiting for the day you come to be with me. On that day, daddy, we will once again be together, and our hearts will mend, and we will cry no more.

When my wife came to the hospital that Sunday and told me that Athena had died, I wasn’t able to fully grasp the concept of her being gone. By that time I had been in the hospital for almost 60 hours, and in addition to the heavy medication I was on, I was suffering from lack of sleep. I hadn’t slept more than three hours up to that point, and the whole world was rapidly becoming more and more surreal as the weekend wore on.

I imagine the medication and lack of sleep also contributed to my inability to grieve at the time. I remember consoling my wife, (who NEVER cries, by the way,) and feeling upset with myself for not feeling more heartache over Athena’s death. Here was my wife, distraught because my cat had died, yet I remained calm and comforted her without losing my composure. I did feel bad, but what I felt was sorrow for my wife because it fell on her to have to tell me, and I know it must have been very hard for her to do it.

That night, after my wife returned home, I remember taking one of the many pillows I had in my hospital bed, and placing it next to me in the spot where Athena always slept when we were in our bed at home. I was beginning to feel sad, but I couldn’t cry for her, and that made me angry.

The next morning I was released from the hospital. After my wife arrived, and all my paper work was finished, they wheeled me out to our car, and helped me get into the passenger seat. My wife started to drive home, and then it finally sunk in. Athena wouldn’t be there when I got home. She wouldn’t come see me, and she wouldn’t be with me in our bed while I spent the coming weeks recovering from my operation. Worse of all, I would not ever see her again. It tore my heart out.

Two years later, I have recovered from the surgery. My broken heart, however, is another matter entirely.

Sweet dreams, mama. I still love you.

If you click here, you can hear Athena's voice.

Early Cat Blogging: Athena

This week’s cat blogging is going to be early, and all about Athena. You can read all about her here, so I will forgo much of the back story that goes along with some of these photographs, and just give a quick comment for each instead.

This is Athena with her brother Rocky, and her sister Mitzy. It was soon after I took these pictures with a disposable camera that I decided I should invest in a digital one. I wish I had bought it sooner because this is one of just a handful of pictures I took of Athena as a baby.
We had Athena before Angel, and here she is with him when he was just a few months old. They really liked each other at this age, but as Angel got older he started getting a little bossy with her.
One of my absolute favorite shots of Athena.
Another of my favorite pictures of her. It’s just a little over exposed towards her hind legs, but otherwise almost perfect. Her eyes were framed in black just like it appears in this picture. When I first saw her I didn’t think much of her coloring, but as she got bigger I thought she was one of the prettiest cats I had ever seen.
She really loved sleeping in that bassinet.
Grocery bags are to cats what boxes are to little kids.
I always liked her pose in this picture, but felt that the bright light ruined it. It has since grown on me.
Sometimes I look up from my desk, and I still see her just like this.
Another shot I wasn’t impressed with until sometime after I took it.
Athena shows her prowess at walking along the backs of the dining room chairs.

So there are but a few of the many pictures I took of Athena during her short life. I am so happy I bought the digital camera when I did because it enabled me to take as many pictures as I want without fear of wasting any film. I saved every picture I ever took of Athena, good and bad, and I am glad that I did.

Happy Birthday Mama

Athena 04/09/01 - 08/31/03 Happy Birthday, Mama.

Happy Birthday Mama

Athena 04/09/01 - 08/31/03 Happy Birthday, Mama.